I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso. 


Plastic Surgery

The First Nose Jobs

The great 16th century rhinoplaster was Gaspare Tagliacozzi. His technique was to create an incision in the patient's arm and attach it to where the nose should be. Eventually the skin would grow, and he would sculpt the nose from it. While it was growing the patient had to hold his arm across his face to keep the skin in place. It wasn't always successful.
One contemporary report tells of a nobleman who wasn't keen on the incision so got a servant to donate his arm-skin; the servant had to hold his arm across his master's face for more than a month. The nose was eventually rejected by the nobleman's body and fell off, coincidentally on exactly the same time as the servant died.


I’ve had so much plastic surgery, that when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Breast Implants

It is often claimed that breast implants explode on aeroplanes; unsurprisingly this is not true. There have been incidents of ruptures, and at least one took place on a plane, but it would have been due to prior problems with the implant, not the plane itself.
In 2012, a medical paper was published titled ‘Gynecomastia in German soldiers: etiology and pathology’ which looked at the number of breast reductions that were taking place amongst male members of the German military. The abnormal breasts were caused by ceremonial soldiers slapping their rifles too hard onto their chests. In the last six years, a total of 211 patients have undergone surgery for gynecomastia.


Botulinum toxin is the chemical used in Botox. Botox works by binding to nerve endings at the point where the nerves join the muscles. This prevents the nerves from signalling the muscles to contract. It was originally approved for medical use as a treatment for twitching or unopenable eyes.
However, it is also the toxin that leads to botulism and is the most poisonous naturally-occurring substance known to man. It’s thought to be a possible weapon of choice for bio-terrorists. 

All the Botox in the world is made in the same production plant in Westport, Ireland.


Plastic surgery is a postmodern veil.

1 in 5 male cosmetic surgery procedures in the UK are to reduce man-boobs.
Iranians have more nose jobs than any other nationality.
An Australian woman injected her husband’s ashes into her breast implants after he died in a car crash.